WE'RE RUNNING BEHIND AGAIN... ...SO HERE'S A FILLER DIRT! "Where-next.com is an exciting gambling game. The most accurate prediction on where terrorists will attack next wins. The definition of terrorist attack stands here for a war action aimed at any civil target on any location that’s not already involved in a war of any kind, be it officially declared or intended as such by the U.S. administration. Thus consider a peaceful territory where there have to be at least 10 random civil victims within 48hrs (missing people will not be included)." Fair warning: The site loads pretty slow, so if you don't want the CIA to log your IP address, just skip it. In today's economic climate -- and at all times -- you really need to know how to stretch a dollar as far as it will go. The Dollar Stretcher gives you tips on how to live better, for less. A word of advice to Danny Bonaduce. Next time you feel like slitting your wrists, remember: don't cross the road, go up the highway! Ya fuckin' poser. As if all those confusing terror alerts and vague threats from Dick Cheney weren't traumatizing the American people enough, now comes word that The Powers That Be are dusting off those Cold War-era air raid sirens for use in Dubya's Holy War On TerrorTM. How much you wanna bet those sirens only ever get tested in borderline "red" states where the Republicans' numbers are dropping? If yer old pal Jerky still lived in New Mexico, he'd be investing in some earplugs right about now. How lazy does a man have to be to need a machine to jack off?! As most of you know by now, yer old pal Jerky doesn't much care for South Park. The latest cartoon creation by Trey Parker and Matt Stone, however, is hard not to fall in love with. It's a surprisingly cute cartoon about a delightfully precious Pekingese named Princess, and the first two episodes can be found here and here. Enjoy! Morgan Freeman is a great actor and all, but do we really need to know what kind of underwear he wears? (Hint: It's neither boxers nor briefs.) The Japanese are great at coming up with technological solutions for "ahh de ronery peopre" in the world. As soon as they combine this technology with the technology from the story two paragraphs up... they'll really have something. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY January 26 On this day in 1697, scientist Jean Bernoulli sends virginal supergenius Isaac Newton his famous "time limit" problem, which he assumed would take six months to solve. Newton figures it out before going to bed (alone) that same night. Incongruously, Newton never could figure out the Chinese finger-trap. On this day in 1998, President Bill Clinton wags his finger at the cameras and says: "I want to say one thing to the American people: I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky." Chaos ensues. *** **** *** On this day in 1784, Founding Fatboy Ben Franklin expresses dismay over the choice of the Bald Eagle as America's symbol. The hard-drinking hellraiser would have preferred the Wild Turkey, which he considered to be a stronger, smarter, and more ferocious bird than the carrion-eating raptor. These days, yer old pal Jerky thinks the Kentucky Fried Chicken would make a more accurate avian avatar. Of course, no single bird can represent an entire nation, its history and its people. That's why yer old pal Jerky has taken it upon himself to unofficially assign birds to stand as symbols for every presidential administration since the end of World War II: for Truman, the Four-Eyed Jap-Blaster for Eisenhower, the White-Bread Baldy for Kennedy, the Boston Peacock for LBJ, the Great Horny Owl for Nixon, the Vampire Bat for Ford, the Lame Duck for Carter, the Pre-Cooked Goose for Reagan, the Bloody Dodo for Bush the Elder, the New World Vulture for Clinton, the Swallow for Bush the Younger, the Chickenhawk

THEY SAID IT! "We need somebody to put rat poisoning in Justice Stevens' creme brulee. That's just a joke, for you in the media." - We need somebody to rig Ann Coulter's vibrator with spring-loaded razor-blades and a handful of 12-guauge shotgun shells. That's just a joke, for you in the media. *** **** *** "You can't have progress without deviation from the norm, because if you don't go beyond the norm, you can't have any progress." - Frank Zappa (1940-1993) on the importance of being a deviant.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Saint John! A mafia don lays dying in his bedroom. He calls in his eldest son and says; "I want'a you have'a my prized chrome plated Smith & Wesson .38 revolver", as he hands it to his son. The son replies: "But Father, I don't like guns. Why don't you give me your Rolex watch?" The don says: "One'a day, your gonn'a own the business, your'a gon'na have a beautiful wife, a big'ga house, a coup'la bambinos. Some'a night, your gon'na come home and find'a you beautiful wife in bed with another man. What'a you gon'na do, point'a you watch and say time's up?" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Bentfish for sending in today's second joke. One day, a fourth-grade teacher asked the children how their fathers make a living. All the typical answers came up: fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth. But little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and have sex with him for money." The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," the boy said, "He works for the Republican National Committee and helped re-elect George Bush, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Nan or Ben. WHERE WOULD YOU BE IF: YOU HAVE ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES YOU HAVE NO WORRIES... YOU COME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU... YOUR BATHWATER HAS BEEN RUN... YOU HAVE THE PERFECT KIDS... YOUR PARTNER IS AWAITING YOU WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES... SO WHERE WOULD YOU BE... IN THE WRONG FUCKING HOUSE!!!

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: EXCELLENT RX! care of: Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila®. Tequila® is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila® can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila® almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila®. Tequila® may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila®. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister. - N8Possibilities [It also makes a great mouthwash. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Hey Jerky, I was watching Enemy of the State (1998) with Will Smith a couple days ago and something I found strange about the movie that I had never noticed before. Jon Voight's chacter and who also happened to be the bad guy from the NSA wanting to spy on Americana's with carte blanche, his birthday in the movie is 9/11. This is found out when Gene Hackman chacter does a background check on him. Granted, I realize it is a coincidence of the first order but it is strange that of all the dates the director could have picked for the evil guy from the NSA the director picked 9/11 and then three years later some of those laws talked about are being implemented due to terrorism. Not to mention the NSA spying on Americans for our protection according to GW. Anyhoo just thought I'd pass that along because it was strange and even my roommates thought it was a tad strange. Peace, RR [That is a little weird. How many times do movie scripts ever refer to the bad guy's birthday? - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; I heard a news lead up today to the effect that mine safety legislation had been enacted during the Clinton years but as soon as the neonazi party took over it was scrapped. I can't find anything on it yet but it might be a good subject for you to spread the word. Ben [I'm not scolding you, but if you'd simply googled "clinton bush mine safety scrapped legislation", you would have found this report and dozens more like it. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, Who the fuck is "(happy now, HxDsa?!)"? YOP, Bob [Why, that's HxDsa of course! - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerkenspooge: I used to drink Jack and Coke for years, I was up to one 1.75 liter and one quart per night, until it put me in the hospital, (I blamed it on the impurities). Now it's Everclear and diet Coke or 151 and cheap diet Dr. Pepper generics. The strong alcohol guarantees a buzz, eliminates the "gay" factor, and keeps diabetics and fat guys happy. High alcohol content beers like Guinness Extra Stout also, are always very welcome. McTubers [My drink of choice these days is laudanum. Just call me old-fashioned! - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; Are Alito and Bush trying to say they are concerned that the AlQueda is downloading porn featuring american women? how horrible that must be shore up that security and keep our pussy for ourselves! that goes for all that yummy east european stuff too! terrible to let the terrorists masturbate! Support alito and gonzalez and bush in this effort to protect us. Jethro [How? By tying a yellow ribbon around your dick? The Powers That Be couldn't care less about our "support". They do as they will, regardless. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Mr. Jerky? This report states that New Orleans could lose 80% of it's black population. I don't know much about the town but I know you used to live there. Now tell me... wasn't the heart and soul of New Orleans black? How could it be the same place WITHOUT it's very soul? Or am I wrong about this? Cheers, Andy [New Orleans won't ever be the same place again, regardless of its level of choclicity. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; I reckon George Bush missed his opportunity when the World Trade Buildings were brought down. As soon as he found out who was responsible he should have loaded up the B52s and annihilated Mecca. Patrick [Gee, that's original. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; I have a question about the people in your header. I think I know most of them (spelling may not be correct though). Gene Simons, Barbra Bush, Tom Cruise, You, I think Jimmy Hoffa, GWB, and I don't know who the last one is. Who are #5 and #7? Thanks, RW (P.S. How do I get a Wake up with YOPJ Mug?) [In order, the people appearing in the Daily Dirt header are: Saddam Hussein in Gene Simmons makeup Dubya's grandmother, Barbara Bush Little Tommy Cruise (who is not gay) YOPJ Pope Ratz Benedict Preznit George Dubya Bush Some wild-eyed Christian lady screaming at a sinner Here's the mug! - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com